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Dear Diary, I Might Be Recovering From Self-Inflicted Emotional Abuse

“The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I’m not going to let myself pull me down anymore.” – C. JoyBell C.

ear DiDary, it has been four days since the last time I thought or said something negative about myself. Deciding that my life is too short and important to waste it with self-inflicted emotional abuse seems to be taking effect.

At first, the sneaky negative thought-ninjas tried to get to me, but they found no way through my new protective barriers. (Those protective barriers are made up of ignoring, not accepting, and using ‘get the fuck out of here, I don’t have time for this crap’ rude language.)

I have been watching them closely the last few days, and they have made camp just outside my conscious mind. I can feel how they are constantly trying to find new ways to weasel their way into my everyday thoughts. However, I think they are starting to lose interest, now that I no longer react to their provocations. Except for the occasional lousy attempt, they have stopped attacking me regularly. I can go for hours now, without hearing even one peep.

This ceasefire has brought me a lot of inner peace. At first I felt alarmed, when I woke up four days ago, and there was no nagging voice to greet me. There was no mention of the numerous failings that I had already accumulated before even stepping out of bed, and as I sat there, waiting for that voice to come, nothing happened.  My mind felt clear and open; like a brightly lit and cosy room, with the window slightly open to let the spring scented breeze waft in.

A little unsure (and suspicious) that first morning, I went about my day and decided to enjoy the feeling of contentment for as long as it would last. I admit that I felt very wary – and that I was awaiting an ambush at any moment. Nevertheless, nothing happened and as the days have gone by, I have had many neutral thoughts, and also a lot of happy and positive ones about myself.

Since that first morning of calm, something strange has happened: I used to wake up expecting to be attacked by negativity as soon as I opened my eyes. Before I even touched the ground, I had already not gotten up early enough, not planned my day well enough, or anything enough. Under constant attack, I would get up and go through the motions of a very uninspiring day – using all of my energy to survive the mental war.

Every thought brought on another wave of similar thoughts that would cost me even more energy and reduce every day and who I was to a state of NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!

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