Are You The Cheap Date You Wouldn’t Want Anyone To Meet? [ + Free Visualisation]
“The changes that matter most are more often changes in perception than changes in the world outside us.” – Paul McKenna
After he fails to introduce Carrie to his date and tries to get rid of her, she knows something is off.
A few days later he tells her that even though his date is intelligent, caring and great in bed; she is not the kind of woman he would date openly [or consider beautiful].
In fact, even though she makes him feel more like himself than any other woman ever has, he is embarrassed to admit to even spending time with her.
She is his invisible woman.
The cheap date you take out to questionable bars outside of your usual hunting grounds; where you avoid eye contact with others as you walk to your place across sticky floors and hope that no one you know suddenly shows up.
The kind of date-arrangement that thrives on small talk and impersonal sex but withers away when it is confronted with too much authenticity and vulnerability.
Watching this episode of Sex and the City got me thinking:
How many of us do this – not to others – but to ourselves?
How many times do we treat ourselves like the cheap date, as we wait for a better version of ourselves to materialise?
Ashamed of where we are, how we look, and whatever else our creative mind can come up with – we keep ourselves hidden in the shadows of life, like a cheap date is hidden in the remote corner of a badly lit burger bar. *imagine the cold, white light you find in hospitals and the flickering of a red neon lamp. urgh.
But, we console ourselves, not all is bad.
We do allow ourselves to hide behind misshapen layers of fabric, appear in underwhelming places, with underwhelming [often toxic] people, and attend underwhelming events. Without consciously knowing it, we keep ourselves in a constrictive space of “cans and can’ts” that feels safe and mirrors all the shittyness that we secretly [and not so secretly] believe about ourselves and our life.
However, the really good stuff – the stuff we deeply desire for ourselves – is safely preserved for the moment when we are finally deserving of it.
In the meantime, as we patiently wait for that special self that we are constantly trying to catch-up with to reveal itself, we accept our current reality as a second-class experience that has to be endured.
Metaphorically speaking, we kiss our date, while scanning the room for someone better; we make do with who we are, as we wait to transform into someone else; we keep our financial, physical and emotional investments to a minimum, and save up for “the one.”
Treating Yourself Like A Cheap Date Could Look Something Like This:
- having a secret relationship with yourself
- not really minding that others trample over your boundaries *if you have any
- saving your money, your energy, and quality of life for a better version of yourself
- disappearing from family photographs because you are rejecting and hiding your current self
- stopping pursuits you used to love because you don’t feel good/worthy enough
- allowing your personal hygiene to only cover the bare necessities but not feeling good enough for anything special *When I had my braces, I believed that I couldn’t wear red lipstick, as nobody would want to see red lips and a grilled smile
- on some level you can’t even blame people who treat you like shit. They have a point, right?
- surrounding yourself with items, people and places that drain your energy and make you feel like trash
- feeling like you alone are not worth the effort to prepare/do anything special for
- constantly reminding yourself of your flaws
- not allowing yourself to enjoy your current body and sexuality
- not investing in your health, body and mind
- worrying about your appearance and projecting your insecurities and judgements onto others
Nothing good can ever grow or manifest from living what is on this list, other than deep emotional scarring and feelings of worthlessness.
How could a more deserving, confident and happier version of you ever develop from this type of self-neglect, abuse and disdain?
It’s like watering a plant by only spitting on it and wondering why it died of dehydration.
“[And] we can change the way we perceive the world in a heartbeat.” – Paul McKenna
On The Other Hand, Treating Yourself Like a Valuable Date Could Look Something Like This:
- having your boundaries in place and protecting them with love and self-care
- enjoying your body as a whole and consciously engaging all of your senses
- exploring your femininity [masculinity], energy, and sexuality without apologising
- allowing yourself to feel. Deeply. Even the ugly feelings.
- draping your body in fabrics that enhance the way you feel about yourself
- adorning your in ways that make you feel alive and connected to your core
- not needing to embellish yourself to feel deserving of the spaces you choose to claim
- knowing what feels good and seeking to enjoy more of it
- being presented as a hard earned privilege to friends and family by those who date you
- living on your own terms and refusing to be kept invisible [even by yourself]
- treating yourself with forgiveness and kindness
- naturally expecting respect from yourself and others
- actively and consciously driving your life in the direction you desire to go
- having a life of your own
- eating and exercising [or not] in a way that makes you feel good, regardless of the opinion of others
Looking back, I know that I spent most of my life being treated as and behaving like a cheap date. Crawling after other people’s favour and gratefully replacing my crumbling self-esteem with their sparsely sprinkled crumbs.
Back then, I never expected anyone, or myself, to treat me as anything else but an interim solution for something better.
Living that way left me depressed, crushed, and completely reliant on circumstances outside of my control for my personal happiness.
In order to move away from this and heal, I had to learn to rebuild my notion of self-worth and move from treating myself like a cheap date, to treating myself more like a valuable one.
Most importantly, it was necessary for me to realise that no matter my current reality, or what I didn’t like about myself – I was absolutely deserving of my own care and love.
And because I know from experience how hard it can be to find better feeling thoughts from a negative place, I have created a short visualisation that you can download to help you get started.
As soon as I started shifting my perception, the world around me started shifting for the better too; one loving boundary, one better feeling choice, one paradigm shift at a time.
Tell me, how does your true self feel like to you? What would you add to the list of ways to treat yourself like a valuable date?
I hope this finds you will,
The Good Enough Creative
A lot of us have internalised beliefs that keep us miserable + secretly thinking that our emotional suffering is a necessary [and even romantic] part of the creative process.
It took me too long to realise how wrong this is, and it's why I've created this video series for you:
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