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Are You The Cheap Date You Wouldn’t Want Anyone To Meet? [ + Free Visualisation]



“The changes that matter most are more often changes in perception than changes in the world outside us.” – Paul McKenna


Untitled-1hen Mr. Big brings Carrie Bradshaw to a grimy Chinese restaurant fortheir “post-coital dinner,” she bumps into old friend Mike Singer who is visibly embarrassed to meet her there.

After he fails to introduce Carrie to his date and tries to get rid of her, she knows something is off.

A few days later he tells her that even though his date is intelligent, caring and great in bed; she is not the kind of woman he would date openly [or consider beautiful].

In fact, even though she makes him feel more like himself than any other woman ever has, he is embarrassed to admit to even spending time with her.

She is his invisible woman.

The cheap date you take out to questionable bars outside of your usual hunting grounds; where you avoid eye contact with others as you walk to your place across sticky floors and hope that no one you know suddenly shows up.

The kind of date-arrangement that thrives on small talk and impersonal sex but withers away when it is confronted with too much authenticity and vulnerability.

Watching this episode of Sex and the City got me thinking:

How many of us do this – not to others – but to ourselves?

How many times do we treat ourselves like the cheap date, as we wait for a better version of ourselves to materialise?

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What To Do When You Are Too Afraid To Create


“Resistance is a bully. Resistance has no strength of its own; its power derives entirely from our fear of it.” – Steven Pressfield

what to do when you are too afraid to create four simple steps to help you deal with creator's fear blog post catdepillar illustrator artist

As I sit in my pyjamas at four in the evening and contemplatively take a sip of tea, I begin to wonder why it feels so hard to start the creative process.

Creating is what I DO, so why am I not whipping out the paints, splattering them wildly across a large canvas and throwing my cat over it in an outbreak of artistic ecstasy?

Why has yet another day/ month/ year passed without me doing anything remotely associated with creating? Why have I not picked up a brush, a pen, a needle, a pair of scissors?

Why have I not been listening to my deep desire, my core need, my inner longing  – to create?

Oh right, because it’s fucking terrifying!

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Bring Love & Prosperity Into Your Home With This Christmas Ritual [Art Vlog]


“We lack rituals in this modern world.” – Elizabeth McGovern

Ihave spent most of my life in pursuit of the ever elusive and almost fetishised character trait that is self-discipline. *which for some reason reminds me of this

Over the years I have tried many different ways of going about this. One way was to date people with a high level of self-discipline and secretly hope that some of their organised ways would rub off onto me, like one of those non-permanent sticker tattoos. (Spoiler: It didn’t work out. Neither did the relationships.)

It took me until late this year to understand what my personal problem was:

I had no rituals. *gasp

Now I know that just the word will already have your eyes flickering to another open tab in your browser-bar, as your finger nervously paws at the mouse, but often in life, it is the simple and obvious things that make the biggest difference.

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The One Thing Everyone Can Afford (Even If You Don’t Have Enough Money To Buy Christmas Presents)

Everyone can afford christmas. It is more important why and how you do something, than what you do. Pink flower and pink heart. Cat De Pillar Artist Writer Speaker Self-love

In the spirit of the season that is upon us, I will come clean to you about one of my more unfavourable characteristics:

I am the absolute WORST secret Santa you could ever imagine.

Why? Because I never give anyone presents for Christmas!

I am the type of Santa that inspires nightmares.

You know the dream where you excitedly run into the living room – washed, primped and ready to brutally rip packaging apart – when you suddenly realise: there are no presents awaiting their pleasurable death by your hands underneath the Christmas tree. *at which point you wake up screaming

Thinking about it, I am probably a secret Krampus.

Just acknowledging this makes me feel like my cat does, when, instead of serving her the best, moist chicken-bits the budget store has to offer, I throw another heap of dusty, dry-food into her food bowl.

It makes me feel like an egoistic and uncaring bitch.

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Are You Teaching Others To Believe That You’re ‘OK’ – Even Though You’re Not?

      “If you keep saying and pretending you are fine, others will believe you and expect that you behave that way.”


Untitled-1hen I trip or fall (and this happens a lot) , I jump up so fast that nobody can offer me their hand. Before you even have the chance to realise that I just crashed myself into the pavement, I will dust myself off, smile, and tell you that I’m OK.

When I was taken to hospital after a very dramatic fall, I spent the entire drive talking. It was my desperate attempt to deflect from the uncomfortable situation. I couldn’t stand the silence, concern and attention. I couldn’t stand being vulnerable.

When a drunk driver swerved onto my side of the road and hit my car on the motorway, I wrote about it on Facebook shortly after it had happened.

 I ended my paragraph on a light and humorous tone with the words “I’m OK.”

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Play The Silence: Embrace The Discomfort Of Being Alone With Yourself

“If you’re lonely when you’re alone, you’re in bad company.” ― Jean-Paul Sartre

Sometimes facing yourself can be the hardest and most rewarding thing you can do.

Facing yourself can be the hardest and most rewarding thing you can do.

I once listened to an interview with a Japanese conductor about his experiences with European orchestras. After a very interesting discussion, the conductor pointed out one integral difference between European and Japanese orchestras that intrigued me:

With a smile in his voice he said that, in Europe, most musicians don’t play the silence.

  • In one orchestra, when a particular segment has been played, the instruments are lowered and the musicians’ muscles slightly relax, as they await their next performance; eyes continuously darting across music sheets, while they listen to the other instruments playing.
  • In the other, the bow stays on the violin, even though there is no sound. The lips of the clarinet player are still touched to the mouthpiece. The cello player stands with tense arms apart, swaying, as he continues to follow the notes in his head that are not his to play.

Even when no sound can be heard, they stand and interact with each other as if they were actively playing a song that only they can hear; masterfully honing the active sound of silence.

On a philosophical note,  just as in the first example, we often forget to play the silence in our lives. Instead, we scramble to find something –anything—to fill it.

As we prepare dinner, we look for a background sound. When a task becomes too hard, we have an almost instant kneejerk response that has us turn to something trivial and easy. Whenever we are caught with a moment of stillness, we look for a book to read, a series to watch, a person to talk to, a technological device to distract us – because we resist the silence. (Am I the only one who starts reading the ingredients list on products on the toilet?)

We resist being alone – with ourselves.

“Silence-Schminenz, what lousy and woo-woo ‘advice’” you might be thinking now, and I know that I have read similar advice, over and over again, thinking: Yeah, yeah I KNOW!

Without ever actually acting upon it.

We do this because we are looking for the answer we want to hear, not the one we need. An answer that will fit the level of discomfort we are willing to undergo in order to have what we want.

And if you are anything like me, you know the level is not particularly high.

“You cannot be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with.” ― Wayne W. Dyer

Nevertheless, after years of reading the same advice – rolling my eyes and ignoring it – I have started bringing little moments of active silence and awareness into my life. Moments in which I remember those “simple and woo-woo” words and truly enjoy trying them out.

By going on a walk without music or a destination in mind. By chopping the potatoes without rushing to ‘click’ on the next episode of my series. By relaxing into the couch and enjoying the sensation of cosyness as my partner leaves the room, before hasting to open up that wonderbox of distraction I call my mobile phone.

More and more, I am filled with the desire to slow down and notice where I am and what I am doing; to do only one thing at a time while truly experiencing it.

I want to stay still long enough to actually know how and who I am. What am I thinking and feeling right now? Like a bad date, I often forget to ask.

The next time you get caught without a distraction, don’t go looking for one. Enjoy it. Play the silence.

Stand the discomfort of being alone in a room – with yourself.

And see what happens.

Take care,


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